On ‘Why We All Need Some Tough Love’ By Gertrude Nyatichi

After a busy week, we all love to unwind and each one of us has their own way of doing so. Mine is...


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After a busy week, we all love to unwind and each one of us has their own way of doing so. Mine is a night out with my girlfriends and it never disappoints. There is this particular night though that I will live to remember. Whenever I think of the conversation, every single word lingers in my mind.

The beauty of true friends is, they tell you everything as it is and in every group there is a specific person who never lacks what to say no matter what. This particular one has a way of bringing out the words that immediately paint a solid picture. You might be tempted to dislike these but they are cemented with love and it becomes irresistible to rethink your choices.

One of our girlfriends had suffered disappointments in her relationship and needed to talk. We had to do what we do best, listen to her and then help her figure things out. In her explanations though, she seemed to have an excuse for every deed she did not like. After she had opened up her heart, our strong friend in our group took over. She seemed to not like how Emmy had made her choices. We had to sit back and let her do what she does best, and this is how the conversation went down between them:

Essie: (With a disappointed look) Emmy, when you are expectant, do you want to call your husband only to be told to take a matatu to Pumwani hospital?

Emmy: No

Essie: When you have children, would you want them to have a daddy figure in their lives? Would you want their daddy to read them a bed time story or you would want to do it all by yourself?

Emmy: Of course I  would want their daddy to be there.

Essie: So why the excuses about everything you don’t like? If he makes you feel you have no right to know his whereabouts now,  how will things change when you have children? He could be busy, we don’t dispute that, but don’t you think you deserve some of his time too? If he doesn’t have that time now, what makes you think it will change tomorrow?

Emmy: I am just trying to understand him. He’s working on projects and he needs the time to focus.

Essie: Oh! Really? Then why are you complaining? Honey, in life, as much as there is attachment, we need a bigger picture. You need to get your emotions out of the equation and figure this out soberly. Look at yourself and what you want. Tomorrow you will have kids, look at them and what best you would want for them. After that, sit down and look at your man, picture a family with him and your entire wants included. What do you see? Is it a happy family? Is it what you wished for, better or less?

I understand you see potential, we all at some point try to. The question is, will you marry the potential? We are told to fall in love with the person we see because that is the real person and not who we want them to be. He hardly has time for you, that is who he is and it is not going to change. If he does not come to your rescue in your time of need, that is who he is or probably doesn’t value you that much to be there for you. Believe what he shows you as it is the best loud speaker. Do not make an excuse for any action. You have a choice in terms of the life you want so set the standards and whoever meets them or even does better, deserves that part of your life.

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Excuses…How many times have we found ourselves creating an excuse? The need to not take responsibility pushes us to come up with vague reasons as to why we fail. Do we ever give any thought as to the outcome? Sometimes it may seem as an escape but it will be for a short while. Taking responsibility calls for the need to go back and correct the whole thing and come out victorious but the moment we choose an excuse, we subscribe to a lethal path. And, the moment we choose to make excuses for bad behaviour from others, this sets us out on a path of disappointment. To read more posts by Gertrude, click HERE

Photo credit: Shutterstock

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