FEMALE PERSPECTIVE By Lillian Sudi – On Toxic Relationships
A while back, I had a coffee date with “Grace”, a friend. We talked about the usual; her day, my day, work, progress, opportunities and finally other people’s drama. After about an hour of chitchat, giggling and several high-five’s, we stood up to leave. As she took her bag, I unknowingly blurted out “By the way, how is Michael?”
She smiled, looked down and mumbled “Michael is missing!” Michael is her man-person; man-person because at times he is her boyfriend, other times he is her ex. They have a crazy love-hate thing going on so I don’t quite know what to call him. “He’s been missing for a week, his phone is off… ”, her voice fading away as she tried to fight back the chocking sobs that were building up. She didn’t want to say it, but I knew what was going through her mind, ‘He’s probably out at some random girl’s house,’ and the thought of this devastated her.
Grace is a young girl; quite smart, calm and resolute. She seems to have it all figured out, well almost, because she is in an extremely toxic relationship and remains quite aware of it. However, for reasons known only to herself, she keeps going back for more.
There’s nothing anyone can tell her that she hasn’t told herself already: she knows the man she loves is not worth her time; she knows he has a million other women out there; she also knows he has and will probably always be unfaithful to her but still she stays.
We’ve had a million interventions with her, but it’s almost like she is never mentally present during the sit downs…because rest assured she will go back to him after being treated like complete garbage every other time. At some point we all got fed up and let her be. Interesting enough she’s ridiculously beautiful with a good head on her shoulders to match so I don’t believe she has self esteem issues. But late at night she sits up late, getting drunk on her assortment of liquor stash, taking sedatives to fall asleep and trying to forget how miserable he makes her feel. Grace is not the only person walking around addicted to a relationship that is no good, one that sparks up the ‘ugly’ in us, one that is painfully toxic.
In my book, a toxic relationship is like every other hard drug, it has extremely high ‘highs’ and depressingly low ‘lows’. It remains unhealthy in every way. It derails you, it puts you in a state of misery, and you really want to leave but are not entirely certain you can survive being out of it. Which leaves you wondering why smart women the world over, cannot simply wiggle out of these kinds of relationships.
Life is short, live life and be extremely happy while at it. Fill your life with so much positive vibes, leaving no room for toxic ones. I have these little ‘notes-to-self’ that I write down, one has gotten me through many low days; Everyone is dispensable. People around you can vanish but believe it or not, with time, you will be just fine. Whether or not their absence devastates you, as long as you remain alive and well, you will be just fine. If you can move on from the absence of a deceased loved one, you can do so friend or a lover. When you get to the point where things cannot be salvaged and you feel completely miserable keep in mind, however dependant on someone you feel…in your life, everyone is dispensable; take that little piece of advice and run with it. Enjoy your weekend. From Sudi To get a male perspective on this, please CLICK HERE to read the views of my colleague, Mitchell